Life Update: 13226
Writing is good for me yet I often leave everything stuck in my head. Then from there it becomes a cycle. I’ve been trying to write another blog since last July but I lost my courage so here is the intro for that:
I hate this feeling. Stuck and in fear; almost everyday. I can’t rest because I am rotting then I can’t even enjoy life without feeling guilty because “didn’t work hard enough”. I am so overwhelmed and tired, I just wish I could escape to the woods. Honestly, I have been filled with so much anxiety that I almost didn’t get to walk in my undergrad ceremony. In this blog, I think I will be even more vulnerable about my current situation to anyone reading my words. If you’re my future employer reading this– just know I worked hard to get this opportunity.
I also revisited this and tried writing again in October. Since then, a part of me feels like I’ve gotten worse. Here’s the intro for that:
New intro as I am writing this today…I actually feel defeated in life but some moments make me feel like I still have a reason to get through each day. With all grief I have been dealing with recently, it’s been hard to get through the rest of the time I have here in undergrad at San Jose State University. I am officially in my last semester after 8 years (including a 2 year gap because of COVID). It is making me reflect a lot of my entire journey but also my future. In this blog, I’ll share more on my story, where I am at now, and where I hope to be soon.
As this is my third time trying to write this, I’ll leave the intros as is. No new one. No plan what I am going to end up writing. Most likely no edits since I just want to get this out in hopes it makes me feel better. If you decide to keep reading, thank you.
Sharing some quotes from emails I’ve sent recently:
“To be transparent, I’m currently feeling lost and defeated but I need guidance for the options I have given my circumstance.”
“I’m so close yet I feel stuck.”
“It pains me to consider this option…(shortend)... However, I’m opening myself to the fact that I want to finally set myself free and move on…”
“My heart feels heavy and I’m desperate for clarity.”
“Will I be okay if I did postpone my graduation again?”
What’s stopping me from achieving my dreams? Myself. I’m ruining my own life. Yet I can’t help but be grateful. I’m the brokest I’ve ever been in my life, including when I was 16 ten year ago. I have bills I’m constantly behind on. I also have been beating myself up for not creating something and missing a post in honor of my mom’s 22 year death anniversary last month. I started documenting my ~rejection therapy as well. Despite all the hurt and pain, there’s still something I try to be grateful about. Years of resilience still in practice. One major thing I love and will always appreciate is community. My mind is blown away by the amount of people I have met just this year. I also hope some people that have known me for a while keep trying to know me. I have more words but for now I’ll end it here.