Life Update: 24726
No more avoiding this; it’s finally time for a new blog post. TLDR: Still currently at my lowest but I believe in the power of friendship! School stress is more persistent than my resilience. I also need to move ASAP and desperately. Next month is the worst (Kuya’s death) & the best (me & my sister’s birth) month. Who’s down to support, honor, and celebrate?
Lately, I’ve been mending my relationship with being alone while seeking connection within my community. If I’m being completely honest, I’m still at one of my lowest points of my life. Constantly feeling stuck in survival mode is not a new experience to me but I trust I’m going to be okay. Why do I have hope? Simply because, it’s genuinely a village building summer! I’ve been reconnecting with people I haven’t seen in 10 years and meeting new people almost everyday. You all feed my soul with the energy I need to keep going.
I’m currently in this transition phase that’s chaotic yet hopefully at the end of it, there will be peace. After days/weeks of hustling and going on little adventures or as I’d like to call it, “side quest maxing”, I’m finally slowing myself down to write this because I can’t keep holding it all in. *I had to do this multiple times the past few days because the writer's block has been TOO REAL. I’ve been living my life by every hour at a time until it’s a new day. I’m learning a lot about myself and I’m finding joy in a lot of different aspects of my life. I’m rooted in knowing the growth has skyrocketed and the dreams are reachable. Now before I get into more details about the fun stuff, I have to be vulnerable again with the things that have been weighing on my soul.
I don’t know how to break it to yall but I’m not a double major baddie anymore. Never in my journey before this did I switch from my graphic design major since first declaring it fall 2017. I made the hard decision to sacrifice the status I walked the stage with a year ago, a double major in graphic design and one of the first Asian American Studies majors, because I could not pass motion design. Let it rue my days until the end of me. I’m mourning my losses but I have big plans that are waiting for me.
Regardless of what happens, I’m grateful for my overall experience and all the people I have met. Walking the stage a year ago was honestly such an anxious moment for me. Thankfully I surrounded myself with familiarity and I knew some people were rooting for me through the graduation livestream. Knowing I still had some classes to finish up in the following fall, now last fall, created the narrative in my head that this accomplishment isn’t real. It still isn’t real in my mind. This past spring was me just feeling depressed and stuck due to financial instability. Summer started then I had many things happen, some still hard to talk about, as well as make the hard decision to demote my graphic design major into my minor.
Just the other day I finally reached the end of this long game which I have been no expert at. What’s next is honestly more school because I want the infinity stones of degrees. I’m hoping to take some fashion design classes while I work and save up to apply for grad school or if I’m confident enough, straight to a PHD program. Also since I’m grieving my graphic design double major title, my portfolio is going to be up! I’ve been working on so many fun and experimental projects to help support my will to live, connect, & create.
I’m also blessed because I realized I’m technically living the dreams younger versions of myself had. Young kids normally had dream jobs like “astronaut” or “princess” but I wanted to own a little kiosk at the mall selling Pokémon cards/other trading cards just like how they would with Kendamas back in that one specific era. Well now I work at Tofu’s Trading based in San Jose, CA as a TCG live streamer on TikTok! This new job allows me to continue to build a third space for people online while sharing my story, knowledge, and passions. I also still work at On One Studios where I build community in person, I even reached my four years a couple months ago. Fun fact, before I officially started dancing, I knew I wanted to own my own dance studio. That’s exactly how I started learning about graphic design because my first goal was to create my “future studio’s logo”. There, I’m also hoping to grow not only individually but especially the space I also call home. My goals now is to hustle/find financial stability while still creating, learning, being whimsical asf, and living life in a way pure to my golden heart.
I also want to travel more because I know my dreams will take me far places I’ve never seen before. I’d travel to Seattle because my brother would say it reminds me of SF, our birthplace. I’d go to Oregon to satisfy my high school version’s dream. New York again or Chicago for the first time also sound amazing. Not to mention my random niche picks just because I know people there or the international trips I’ve been yearning for. However, before all that, I’ve been trying to visit home more because my heart (and scholarly research) knows you can also grieve a place. Being born on the streets of San Francisco is something I’m proud of and growing up locally in SSF/Daly City is something I’m grateful for.
Right now, I also need help and I’m hoping my village can support me again because moving is so hard. I’m in a current situation that I need to leave ASAP (seriously hoping by end of month aka few days away). I was scared to be ~in between places again but I was learning to be okay with the idea since I have already been through it twice before. I also might have to pay double rent (I have a couple housing leads) for a month and I’m f*cked because I’m still going through financial insecurity while I’m still at the early stages of my new job. I also have been stressed because I have hella stuff as a ~collector of art and fine things or as my sister likes to call it, “kalat”. I’m going to try to post stuff for sale or to gift soon on my Instagram or do something but truthfully I’m so overwhelmed by it all. Only in times like this I wish I wasn’t an interesting person with so many hobbies and ambitions but then again that person wouldn’t be me. If anyone can support emotionally, financially, and/or physically please let me know. I’ll need it all because I am so lost as I’m writing this in a literal dark place.
If you are new here, I share my vulnerability surrounding grief and death a lot because it’s a big part of my lived experiences. Recently since I’ve been making the effort to go back home, I spend at least an hour at the cemetery just chilling (if you’re my personal friend, you know I love a good loiter sesh). It’s something I did in high school, which both places are coincidentally right next to each other. I regret not doing it everyday then but now each time it’s intentional. Last week on the 15th of July, I was reminded that in one month it will be 3 years since my brother’s death. Today as I finally post this, it is also a month until my 27th birthday.
My Kuya AJ was a big adventurer and community guy so I honor him by trying to embody what he was like. I try to create community events for my birthday even if not a lot of people show up because the type of person my brother was is the type to find any excuse to bring all his loved ones together. Another fun fact is that this blog was created because before he passed he suggested I create a newsletter to keep up with my life. Connection with people was something he valued so community is everything to me.
Keep on the lookout but from Friday, August 21st until my birthday Monday, August 24th I will be doing things! So far, Friday (SJ) and/or Saturday (SF) is looking like markets I’ll vend at, Sunday will most likely be a park day I still need to plan, then starting at midnight on birthday I will be streaming for work so all my online friends can hang out. I’ll probably rest then adventure some more then go to a Love Letters and Tea Tasting in the evening in SF to close it out or see how I’m feeling after. Again, I can barely plan what I’m doing tomorrow or next week but life still looks beautiful in the midst of the chaos.
I appreciate you so much if you’ve read this far. If I owe you something, thank you for being patient. I will get back to you as soon as I can. My words are special to me because for once I finally feel like I have a voice. More will all be shared soon and you’ll hopefully never hear the end of me. Trust, I’m still scared on but everything I do scared is because I care so deeply and I know pushing myself makes him proud.