Life Update: 15824
Trigger warning: death/grief. It’s my older brother, Kuya AJ’s death anniversary. Also includes my work journey, love for photography, and my birthday event. Please read until the end but honestly no pressure. Regardless, thank you!
I originally wanted to finish writing this before my brother’s 1st death anniversary (today, August 15th). Yet here I am, past midnight still reflecting and writing. In recent years before his passing I’ve started to feel a disconnect between us due to him being a new father and going back to school to have a better future for his family. Then there was me, also in my own world trying to survive as a broke college art student while navigating everyday struggles as an independent. We rarely called but that doesn’t mean we didn’t try…one of my biggest regrets will forever be not answering his last call to me.
For a year, I’ve been telling myself to reflect more on memories with him. Yet no matter how often, or how big the stakes were (big project paper topic), it was so hard to the point I couldn’t. Yet at random times, I caught glimpses of certain moments of us. Going back to our rare calls we had, I remember him telling me I should make a newsletter email saying he would love more updates from me. “Great idea, I’ll try” I said. This was probably 2 years ago or something (the concept of time is beyond me). So this leads me back to the purpose of this…I’m not sure how long I have or even this website has (I’ve had it for so long yet I don’t think many people noticed). I’m here to publicly journal my life every so often as an outlet and for people to maybe read what I’ve been up to.
So what’s up?
Well recently I got COVID for the first time. I described my experience as feeling physically fine yet the mental and emotional turmoil greatly affected me overall. My sister, Aja went from New York to Maryland and came back home to the Bay so it was my first chance to see her again. I was already starting to feel better from when I first got symptoms a couple days prior yet BOOM. My world was hit with something I’ve never had - I was in denial yet took all the precautions to keep it within myself. The guilt of possibly spreading it was killing me more than any symptom. The moment I knew I really had it was when my iPad glitched after rotting in bed watching a silly lil teen drama on Hulu…I thought it was just hot. So I then put it in the freezer to cool down. Whoever said brain fog is a less talked about COVID symptom - they weren’t kidding, it was real and needs more attention. I left it in the freezer overnight while throughout the night/next morning I was looking for it. I really couldn’t remember until I grabbed ice for my water. I freaked out so much and prayed to the tech gods, overlords, or whoever was listening. Thank them that it worked because if it didn’t then I don’t know. It’s kind of a part of my life as a Graphic Design major. Fun fact: my secret to having the will to edit more photos lately is using Lightroom mobile on my iPad.
I’ve been falling in love with photography again. I officially started in Spring 2018 when I decided to take a class for my major’s lower division elective requirement. With some of my mother’s money I gained after I turned 18 (from her passing when I was 4), I bought my first DSLR - Canon Rebel T6. I could tell another story about it but for now let’s just say it was stolen and I got it replaced with the same model. I grew a lot using this tool. I went on to make so many memories from going on photoshoots with my friends in a lot of different places. Up until Spring 2019 I was posting some of those moments on my art instagram (@goldenkid_2). One day, my colleague Ray from Empire in the Air (streetwear brand I work for) asked me to assist him on a gig for another one of our team members, Aiko’s studio’s youth showcase event. I loved it and for the first time I saw my photography as something I wanted to pursue. After that, I got an opportunity to be a photography intern at On One Studios from my connection (take Eric’s Kpop classes biweekly on Fridays at OOS). To this day, it’s one of my favorite experiences.
Right before the start of the COVID-19 pandemic, my contract ended. It may have been the end of an era yet divine timing really did something years later. To make an even longer story shorter - I had a job, lost my job because Covid, had a temporary contracted job, that contract ended, then I got a job at On One Studios! From unpaid intern to a paid OOS Jack of all trades (I have multiple roles), it’s been an incredible journey. I’ve grown a lot, especially through many adversities.
In January 2023, I missed a call from my older brother because I was working late at the studio. I called him back after my shift ended while still being at the studio. I was in our break room when he first told me he had cancer. I was in shock because he knew for a while now and so did other people. I was heartbroken I didn’t know sooner but he reassured me everything was okay because he got better. I asked what it was like getting treatment and he told me it was painful. I commend anyone who goes through that.
Circling back to his last call to me, I think I was also working. I either forgot to call him back after or I told myself I would do it in the morning. This was July of last year. Little did I know that instead, my sister would call me. She said that the cancer unexpectedly came back and that they were in the hospital. The same one where our mother died. Our Uncle Pablo picked me up in the morning to visit him. To summarize, I didn’t make it to work that day and it was a lot to go through with a lot of uncertainty. My brother couldn’t speak coherently and he looked different. After weeks of worrying and hoping for the best, I got missed calls. This time from my sister and my aunt. My auntie was the one to tell me and I didn’t want to believe it until my sister said it was true. I was working at the studio when I found out. I usually work alone and that day I was grateful I was able to leave early. I then continued crying and I grieved while eating frozen yogurt.
Before that moment, I already felt like I was losing myself. Because of that moment, I felt like I had an even bigger motivation of the need to find myself again. Since then, it’s been difficult to do so but I’ve been taking it slow. School has been my biggest barrier to focusing on myself so until recently with summer school ending, I finally took strides to do things for myself. It was unfortunate that he passed away a week before fall semester started and my birthday.
You know what’s scarier than turning 24?…25 (spongebob reference) but yea it’s true. The age considered to have a quarter life crisis yet your frontal lobe will be fully developed. I’m turning 25 next Saturday on August 24th. If you haven’t seen it yet, take a moment to click on my last post and maybe give me a like. If you read this far, this act would only take seconds compared to however long it took you to read this far. I have low expectations that anyone will read this though so no worries, I’ll never know. I appreciate you even if you just clicked the link to get here and got bored halfway through before finishing…and with that I digress.
Focusing back, I have always wanted to host an event. Even more so, I wanted to celebrate my birthday in a way that I can possibly include everyone in my life no matter how big or small into one room. It’s something my Kuya would do for himself and his friends. Another regret of mine - not attending his big 30th birthday event where he had a giant red balloon and a big prop of canned soup. Despite not attending, he always encouraged me to host a celebration like that. So for years, I’ve been planning to but there were always barriers. I really thought last year was going to happen for my “golden birthday” but we all know now how that turned out.
I’m going to be honest, I’m setting my expectations low because for years now I’ve also grown an insecurity of people forgetting me/leaving me. I’ll expand more another time but as you can see I have abandonment issues. To this day there’s still some challenges I need to overcome to make this happen and to not back out. The only thing keeping me from the embarrassment that only two people will show up is the embarrassment that I have promoted my stickers, photos, this event, the fundraiser workshop, this blog post, and who knows what else I come up with between now and my birthday…just for it to not happen? Yea if my brother won’t haunt me maybe my mom will.
All jokes and fears aside, this event means a lot to me. I’m calling it “Memories” because it’s about all the moments I created in my life thus far no matter how good or bad they were. There’s been times I genuinely didn’t think I’d make it, yet here I am. So thank you for reading this, for knowing me, and for supporting me. Even if you can’t make it, I’d appreciate it if you shared the event post. This event is for everyone! Who knows, maybe your friends will buy my art :)